Monday, June 30, 2008

Silence

I'm back in Louisville now, trying to recover from a couple of amazing weeks. Getting back is bittersweet. It's good to be somewhere relatively permanent, where I'm supposed to be, but leaving Mexico and New Orleans was so hard. I felt useful in those places, like I was needed. It gave me a hint of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, but then it ended. It kind of feels like God is teasing me with my purpose.

After we said goodbye to the Mexico team on Saturday night, I went to the room I was sleeping in and all of a sudden I felt this utter hopelessness. I felt like I wasn't where I belonged, that somewhere I had taken a wrong turn, like I wasn't on the same page with God's plan for my life. The peace I'd had just hours before had turned to worry and fear. I felt alone. I hated it.

The next day when it was my turn to drive, and the others were asleep, I felt it again. Even the worship songs we were playing over the stereo were just a bunch of noise. So I turned off the radio and had a little quiet time with God. From just outside Houston, TX, to Jennings, LA, I talked with my Father. It was the most honest I've ever been with Him. It was the most honest I've ever been with myself. I held nothing back. It shook me up.

It was good to just be silent in the presence of God. To restore the peace of mind that had gone missing. To remember that His plans are better than mine, and that His dreams are bigger than mine. I realize now that it doesn't matter if God tells me my final destination. It only matters that He lets me know that I am on the right track. That's what He did with Abraham, and He has given me the same promise.

I may never truly know my purpose on earth. But as long as I pursue it, with God's help, I believe it will be accomplished. Who knows where He may lead me in the meantime? I can't wait to see . . .

4 comments:

margie said...

i can't tell you how proud i am of you. you are such a wonderful man of God and i am so glad to call you my brother. those times are hard, kid. i've been there. i've felt alone and helpless and worthless. and those are the times where i've run to God and realized that He is my source of ultimate comfort. he's the ONLY one that's always there for you. and he loves you kid, he loves you more than mom and dad and i love you. it's in the valleys, in the times when we don't know where we're going that he can grant us the greatest peace. you're there kid, continue to trust him, continue to talk to him. his dreams are bigger, they are greater, and they're more adventurous and wonderful than you can ever imagine.

Uncle Denny Aunt Sharon said...

Matt: It isn't the first time, maybe the first time you've recognized it, and let me tell you at 72 years old it won't be the last time for either you or Peep...

Bonzo said...

Uncle Denny is speaking the truth - there are MANY days I've felt exactly as you describe... like I'm going nowhere and doing nothing worthwhile. And often it seems like there is nothing to say, even to God. It's all part of the journey, and we're just glad you've chosen to be on that journey with those of us who LOVE you. Mom

Steve & Theresa said...

being broken is incredibly painful
it also lets God be God
and you be you
it brings growth and fruit
inside you and through you
as has been said-it will come again
and will still be painful
but you will see it as a friend
in the long run

God is doing such great things in your life! you're a great example to us all - esp. my kids. thanks!

love ya, matt!

steve m